When I told him that no, I was not the police, he informed me that I should go to jail and called me a ‘dicky punk’.”Ĭarter laughs as he reads the magazine interview aloud. “When asked if he enjoyed preschool, the precocious four-year-old asked me if I was the police. “No, we’ll make phone calls like Mommy and Daddy do when they go into their bedroom and lock the door and yell and make weird noises,” Gavin replies. “Phone calls? Do you mean you’ll call your mommy a lot when you’re older?” Lisa questions.ĭon’t do it. We’ll kiss and we’ll marry and I’ll take her on dates and we’ll be best friends forever and make lots of phone calls with each other.” Gavin gets up on his knees on the bench seat and places a loud, wet kiss to my cheek. Obviously, the fact that any chance at a Pulitzer for this interview is long gone doesn’t matter one iota to this woman. “When you grow up, who do you want to marry?” “Gee, thanks, sweetie,” I mumble as I lift my head and glance at Lisa to see if she looks as horrified as I feel. Except for Mommy ‘cuz she has boobs,” Gavin replies earnestly. “What do you like better, cookies or girls?” Lisa questions. There is no point in even trying to put a stop to this train wreck. I put my elbow on the table and my head in my hand. “You sure like to say ‘fart’ a lot,” Lisa says with a laugh. “Fart in everyone’s face,” Gavin says in between giggles. Am I supposed to correct him when he spells “shit” wrong? Why the f**k hasn’t anyone printed a parenting handbook yet? What the heck am I ‘sposed to say?” Gavin asks with a roll of his eyes. “Excuse me? You know you aren’t supposed to say that word,” I scold.

“I’ve heard you like to talk about your wiener a lot. “How do you even know that song?” I ask him. “SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT, WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING YOU!” Gavin sings as loud as he can. Please don’t say “99 Problems But the Bitch Ain’t One” or I will smother Carter in his sleep for downloading that to his iPod. “What’s your favorite song?” Lisa continues.

Oh that’s a super question to ask a four-year-old who just said his favorite holiday is passing gas. “Sheep, ‘cuz they’re stupid,” Gavin answers with a laugh. This interview has officially gone in the shitter.

Futures and Frosting by Tara Sivec